Hard Eye Candy
by Joker'sOnlyFear
Summary: It's Joker's birthday - and Jonny gives him a VERY naughty present. Transvestism inspired by the film "Breakfast on Pluto", in which the gorgeous Cillian Murphy also stars. Funny, hot, kinky Joker/Crane slash, mildly graphic.


_Author's Note: Yeah, I know the whole "Joker's birthday" thing is a major cliché - but it's gay porn, so just enjoy it! I was laughing_ really _hard while I wrote this, and I hope you think it's as funny as I did. "Pamela" - full name Pamela Isley - is Poison Ivy's real name. This is_ slightly_ out-of-character - oh, who the _fuck_ am I kidding, this is _very_ out-of-character! Thanks again, my reviewer-pal, for your inspirations! _

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The Joker did not feel even a second older today, as he probably should have - raving lunacy did that to you. He had not seen his partner in months, all due to that damn flying rodent chasing his purple-swathed tail from one end of Gotham to the other, and now he had finally gotten the chance to pay the doctor another lovely visit - needless to say, the clown was _very_ excited.

A definite bounce in his step, he sauntered into the kitchen of his lover's pleasant apartment at exactly 9:14 _post meridiem_, ravaged mind unconsciously noting that Quiet Riot's "Come on Feel the Noise" was playing on the radio and that a spectacle-less Crane was sitting up on the counter next to it, wearing -

Joker blinked and immediately did a double-take.

Jonathan Crane was sitting up on the counter, wearing a white button-down short-sleeve blouse, a _very_ tight black-leather miniskirt, and a pair of knee-high, stiletto-heeled black-leather boots. Long, lean snowy legs crossed at the ankles, he gently swung them back and forth as he thoughtfully twirled a lock of his now-slightly-longer-than-when-Joker-had-last-seen-him-and-loosely-curled brown hair around his forefinger and sucked suggestively on a large lollipop of the round, sucker-like variety.

Jonathan fluttered his long, black mascara-lined eyelashes at his man flirtatiously and emitted a highly feminine-sounding giggle.

Joker swallowed hard as he felt his cock flag in his trousers. "You knew I would be coming."

Jonathan shrugged dismissively, smirking as he twirled the sucker around on his long pink tongue one final time before leisurely pulling it from his sensually pouty mouth with a loud popping noise. "It's your _birthday_ - why would you _not_ take advantage of the occasion?"

Joker could think of no reply to this - which was probably just as well, for he would have been interrupted as without warning Jonathan lunged and knocked his man to the ground in a flying football-style tackle, straddling his slim waist promptly.

Giggling furiously, Crane took Joker's gloved hand and guided it up his skirt as he leaned forward and briefly touched their noses together.

"We've finally done it! Scarecrow and I have finally perfected a formula that will give the injectee the ultimate adrenaline rush!" Jonathan giggled excitedly again and kissed the tip of Joker's left smile-scar.

It was then that the clown noticed the doctor's unnaturally wide eyes and dilated pupils.

"And you tested it out on yourself." It was not a question.

Jonathan snorted derisively. "Of course! Do you really think I would _deign_ to allowing one of my patients to experience such a potential thrill?"

Joker was about to amend that of course he did not think so - but then he became _very_ distracted by the particular style of underwear that his fingers felt his little whore was sporting.

"_Lace_ - Jon-a-than, are you wearing a, a _thong?!_"

Crane, though blushing, grinned wickedly. "I `borrowed` it from Pamela - she _has_ a whole drawer-full, so I'm sure the little lesbian plant-hybrid freak won't miss it - and I know how much you like _hard candy_," Jonathan added, throbbing erect dick into the clown's palm for emphasis.

Joker huffed in arousal and immediately flipped himself over, so that now their positions were reversed.

"_Y'know_, I think this is a little, uh, _small_ for you." Joker smirked devilishly as he fingered the hem of Crane's skimpy drawers. "I think we might just have to, uh, _take it off_." And he did just that, tossing the flimsy slip of decorative material off to the side carelessly.

Jonathan's smile was full of boundless love and affection as his heart skipped a beat. "Happy birthday, sweetheart."

"Thanks, baby," the maniac replied, returning his lover's smile as he immediately proceeded to very lustfully French-kiss him.

And then he joyously fucked his mewling sex kitten to pieces in one of the best acts of sexual intercourse either had ever experienced.

THE END

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_Aww, wasn't that just the_ cutest _thing ever? Okay, sorry, that was really conceited of me, I know. Won't happen again. Yeah, Jonny just kind of found out where Poison Ivy lived and stole some of her clothes. For all the lesbians and other homosexuals out there who may have read this, please, Please, PLEASE do not take offense from what Jonny said about Pamela - that was just part of his out-of-character moments, and I of course mean no offense by it._


End file.
